Happy, always and forever?

Happy, always and forever?

The frustration, love and the true reasons of Baby shaken Moms.

 

Unlike me you will never be frustrated about your child or sometimes wished you like to have your old life back? If your answer is “yes, I don’t”, don’t read further. But if your answer is “no”, welcome in the club of Zombie mamas.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my child and I love being a Mom but sometimes… grrrrrrrrrrrrr, he drives me nuts. The little man is 8-month-old and I cannot count anymore how often I’ve been frustrated. Of course, the times that I am happy weight out much more. Unless you are a Mom like me, man, sometimes I miss my old life.

It begins shorty after I brought my little one home. I would say, when the routine kicked in. My In-laws were gone, and My husband went back to work. Here I was, alone with a little human being. Worried to the moon and back that I will lose it someday.

I should mention that before I became a Mom, I was a successful business woman with dreams and a career. I loved my life and I love my life with my husband and our fur babies. My days were strict planned out. I got out of bed and at first, coffee and get ready for work. Of course, in the newest of new fashion and with heels. After long hours at work, I found my balance at gym and at home, having dinner with my husband. Quality time with chips and popcorn in front of television. A little tete-a-tete and falling asleep in each other arms.  Sounds familiar? Good for you, enjoy it, as long as you can.

When you get pregnant, people will say “your life will change completely”. Of Course, it will, but I’ve never imagined that I will change drastically. I get up in morning because my personal alarm, my baby, wants his first breakfast bottle. If I get lucky he goes back to sleep for 2 hours again. Don’t think that this will be mommy time or another 2 hours of sleep for me. Nope! Normally I am quite awake and just hanging out in the bed and try not to move to wake him up. My neck sometimes kills me because I am in the most awkward position you could imagine. You might wonder why I don’t put him in his bed again? simple and easy. He will wake up and screams more than ever. The first frustration situation after 30 minutes of being awake and NO coffee in reach distance.

The second, third and fourth frustration situation happens together. I just say bathroom mirror. My hair looks like a tornado went through, my skin went back in time when I was teenager with acne and the look down to your body makes you want to cry. (even after months of delivery, I still have a belly) The reflection of the woman who looks at me, is definitely not a business woman with high fashion clothes. She is a Zombie. A Zombie Mama.

Throughout my day I can not count the situation where I am frustrated. Now, you might say “this woman deals with PPD (Post partem Depression). Yes, maybe in these situations I do, but than I look in that smiling face of my little miracle and I forget about the frustration.

A couple month ago, I remember that my mom told me about a legal case, she read in the newspaper. It was about a mother who shake her baby. Luckily, the baby survived with slightly damage. I remember also that I told my mom that could never happen to me.

Here is the truth. It did happen. Not that I shake my baby, but the situation came where it could have happened. Before you judge me now, let me explain the situation a little bit. Aiden was 3 weeks old. Fussy and cranky, whole day long since he woke up. All those fantastic soothing methods failed. Rocking and swinging made it even worse. Bottle, (actually, I was the breast at that time) was refused with more screaming. After 8 hours of a complaining crying kid who was laying on my chest (I tried skin on skin for the fifties time). I rapidly jump of the couch, straighten both of my arms with my newborn in and yelled “what is wrong with you?”. I looked into his big blue confused eyes and that was the moment where I realized it.

I understand how it could happen that a mom shakes her baby. It is not because, she does not love it. She is not a baby murder mom, like my mom said. She is frustrated and overwhelmed. I, luckily, was conscious about my actions and was able to switch in a Nano second back to my common sense. Though, here we see what damage just a little frustration can do. Indeed, we, as moms, should always be conscious about our actions but after weeks of sleep deprivation, how should our brain be able to function all the time?

I am certain, that this mother, did not shake her Baby on purpose. She was not aware in that moment that she hurt her child with long term brain damage. Neither wanted she her baby death. Simply, she wanted that her baby stops crying. I agree, that this is not, and here in capital letter again, NOT the right way to silent a child. I claim, that she was simply temporarily out of her mind and did not know a better way. To be clear here, I still think that she is responsible for the minor brain damage and should be conduct of this subsidiary, but I also think that she has to live her whole life with the truth and guilt, because she lost for one second her common sense. Do I understand her actions? Yes, I do! Do I symphonize with her? Absolutely, not.

The sad truth is, even if you think that might not happen to you, there are more cases in the US than you think. The number might decreased in last couple of years to around 1300 cases per year but still 25% of these baby die and 80% suffer lifelong disabilities, according to the National center.

I am frustrated, a lot of times during day with my Baby. If he doesn’t want to sleep. If he decides to have a poopy diaper when I need to leave the house. If he needs just mama’s warmth but the house looks like mess. And so on. But all those frustration situations should not be excuses to lose my temper or in worse case stops my Zombie brain of functioning.  Even after months, since my situation, I still feel awful and I am more aware of my unconscious actions than ever.

I called my husband a minute after my incident and believe me I was crying like hell. I felt so guilty like never ever in my life before. I still feel the guilt coming up when I get frustrated, but I see it like a good thing. This guilt, and I just can talk for myself, keeps me sane and most lightly prevents that such a situation ever accurses again. I love my son to death, but I also loved my life before, but I would not trade any single teeth-less smile of my little one, to have it back.

If you feel like you could lose your temper. Call a friend, let them take care of your precious little bundle and you take a walk. Let your family help you. Talk to your doctor about it! There is help, even if you might not see it right away. If you don’t want to talk to somebody you know, call anonym here.

You are not alone, Mama!!! WE got you!

 

 

 

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