The secret judgmental society between Mamas.
Yes, they exist. They are hiding behind those friendly faces. Behind that perfect hair and perfect body shapes. The Super-mamas. Judgmental in any way you can think, and all the ways you don’t think! But don’t be scared. They bark but they don’t bite. At least until now I do not get any bite marks.
The species of the Super-mamas is not even just a thing since the movie “Bad Moms”. The secret club of the Mamas who seem like they had it all figured was established way before we even knew there is such a thing as a supermom. However, today it looks like this fad is still around, and scares the next-door neighbor Zombie Mama to death. Not that it’s hard enough to keep up with a new baby, dishes, laundry and life in general in your home. No, those Super-mamas expect you to be perfect after 6 weeks of postpartum.
Jeeeez, there was no way for me! Even after 17 weeks PP I’m still 18 lbs. over pre-pregnancy weight. Am I happy with it? No! Will I change it? Yes, if I have time! But for now, I have a happy, content baby who is well fed and healthy as a horse!
The first time I discovered this species of “Super-mamas” was when I still breastfed my son. I wanted to be a part of this group who seems to be so popular and always had the right answer. However, my little one decided to make it a little harder for mommy, and stopped taking the-best-is-breast milk. Kicked out of my Supermom support breast-is-best group, I found myself in a limbo between “I don’t give a f**k” and “help, I need a Mom society to belong to”.
You will find yourself in a lot of limbo situations when you become a Mom. I had no idea how often, though.
- The cleaning limbo: You don’t know if you should feel sorry when people are coming over and see the mess in your kitchen, the not-vacuumed carpet and the unfolded laundry…which on good days is all clean.
- The hygiene limo: You wonder if you should feel bad that your hair is oily, your skin is dry and the black circles under your eyes are definitely not from the mascara from last night’s partying.
- The parenting limbo: You are wondering where you will end up with your parenting. Am I a helicopter Mom or the cool I-do-not-give-the-fuck Mom?
It does not matter in which limbo you will end up, because the “Super-mamas” will decide and judge for you. At this point you have the choice: either you jump on the same train with them and be, at least on the surface, this super-cool sexy fashionista Mom with 90-60-90cm body measurements OR, like me, you are freaking listen to your instincts and being true to yourself and everybody around you.
My son Aiden and I are visiting the story time activity at our local Library every Wednesday and Friday. It is for kids from baby-ages to basically pre-school kids. In the room, there are four tables, and guess what?! All four tables have a group of Mamas.
The Grumpy Table. This is a table of the grumpy Mamas who never smile. Not even to their kids. Always yelling and complaining about their lives and their marriages or they divorce. The first time attending the Story Time, I knew the whole story of one of the Mom’s marriage and nasty divorce. Maybe I am generalizing it now, but I have the feeling that their kids are always the ones who are a little weird. Poor kids, but I really like boundaries. Especially with strangers. Yes, even with kids. There is no reason why a 4-year-old need to touch my boob and scream “Milk” while poking my nipple. YES, this is a true story!
The Wallflower table, or how I named it: the table nobody notices. I think I have never ever seen this table full. Every once in a while, somebody sits there, but not for long. One of the other tables notice the person and it will quickly be decided if the person is worth talking to and being invited to the table. It sounds like a market place, and it certainly is. I was one of the people who sat there first until I got invited to my permanent and current table. Most of the time nobody sits there except an older lady with 2 children…and we recently found out that she is a nanny.
The Perfect Table: Oh MY freaking gosh. How do they do that. Even in active clothes they look amazing. Not that I believe they run with all this makeup and perfect hair. Even their little ones are seeming to be perfect. Perfect clothes, perfect behaviors, perfect everything. They never scream, cry or run through the room. Some of their Mamas are even pregnant with their second child, and no signs of tiredness, exhaustion or anything which indicates that they are humans. Except their perfect and so real, friendly smiles at my table.
The Bad Table: Yep! I am a part of the Bad Mama table. How I ended up here? No idea! Ask the grumpy table Mamas. We are a group of 5 sometimes 6 Mamas and one Daddy. Our kids are in between 4 month and 4 years old. They are noisy, fast and extremely interested in each other. We, the Mamas, sharing our secrets of: which show we have to turn on the TV so that Mommy has 10 min to do her big business, how many meals yesterday were grilled toast with cheese, in which store are the ready-to-use glasses for baby meals the cheapest. We tell our kids where the come from and we don’t lie.
By now, you roll your eyes and say: “She is one of them. She is a secret judgmental Mama”. I admit it, it definitely sounds like it and I will not deny that sometimes I judge, but the point is I DON’T SAY IT to their face (and hurt their feelings). I don’t want to know everybody’s business, I just want to survive another chaotic day with my infant without being judged as a Mama by people who think and say I am failing. After 2 nights of a bad cold and a feverish child, I do not need somebody who tells me how horrible I look and with a bit of concealer I could remove those circles. I need a support. I need the Mom next to me who says, “it’s a phase, it will be better when…”. I need to hear that all my child needs is my love and attention to get through a growth spurt meltdown, instead of telling that I really should read more into advanced parenting.
We all judge each other, we all mind every Mamas business secretly, BUT the most important thing here is not sympathy. WE NEED EMPHAPY. A mother of two who had a miscarriage does not need to hear “oh I am sorry. At least you have 2 healthy children”. She needs to know where she can bring her two amazing kids when she needs to cry it out after this lost. She does not need to be judged as to why she is wearing the same sweat pants three days in a row or because her kids had cereal for 2 days in a row for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She needs us, the Zombie Mamas who are standing at 9pm at her door step with a bottle of wine and some left overs to help her through the next day.
Stop judging each other out loud, rather help and show empathy. Ask yourself why the woman from next door still has her trash can on the side walk. Maybe she hurt herself while she was lifting her autistic child out of the bathtub? Why is the TV so loud…maybe she does not want her child to hear that Mama and Daddy are fighting again..?
Think twice before you judge, gossip, or tell it to another Mama.
Leave a Comment